Andy, The Whale

My work family lost a friend and leader today.

I lost a mentor.

When the news was broken to us, I felt a little piece of me break. It was a distinct sound. One of loss, shock and this cavernous piece of my soul closing off. Not with a bang, but a whimper. 

I think it's hard enough to say good-bye when you know the event is coming, but we were blindsided and the sucker-punch to the gut on New Year's Eve...well, that was the cherry on this crud-pile of a sundae.

I will never walk through the doors of my office, hearing Andy yell "Woo! Sarah's here!" 
That ball of sunshine in a squat, funny little man is was not what one expected, but he rarely failed to brighten my day.

He taught me so many things, but the one that stands out in my mind is how Andy showed me just how important it was to do what you love. 
Andy traveled, Vegas being his favorite destination. He loved his family, fast cars, good food and the lure of a great bet. There was so much more to him and all of his quirkiness came flooding to the front of my mind when I absorbed the news. Things you wouldn't expect to realize that you noticed about a person - it was all so dorky and yet, so very Andy. 
Piles of Mountain Dew. 
Everything Bagel Boopalaches. 
Pho, Bun & Boba.
How much he'll be missed by Bistro.   
Serenity Now! 

Going into work on Wednesday is going to be hard. Hell, leaving the office today was difficult. This news was hard to swallow and it still feels like a slap in my reality. Cold. Hard. Ruthless.

Fate gets us all.

 
With the new year coming around in a few hours, I couldn't help but think about the frailty of us all. Here one minute, gone the next.

Yeah, Andy would say "umm...deep?"
[He wasn't much for serious tones. Actually, more often he was laughing at the tiniest thing.]

I realized that I have so many resolutions for the upcoming year, but one I didn't have until just today?

I resolve to live every day, loving every minute and regretting nothing. 
At 23 [almost 24], I want to learn how to live. 

This all ties into my healthy-fit-chick journey, I promise. 
Part of learning to live is knowing your own limitations and pushing against them. It also means that you have to learn to love yourself, for all your flaws and greatness. Andy had that balance. He was 5'4" but larger than life. I want to know what that completeness feels like, and I'm determined to have that in my life. That strength and passion, love and joy...knowing every night that when I tumble into bed, my day was well spent. This is my goal and it goes hand in hand with being spiritually, mentally and physically fit. 

I'll leave you with something that's not quite so serious, like Andy - The Whale. Maybe you can understand what brand of awesome he was, and hopefully, you know someone just like him.

Disclaimer: He loved this commercial and when I told him it reminded me of him [several months back], he really LOL'd. Watching it again, it's still just as funny. 

We miss you already, Andy. I hope that you have plenty of poker chips and a endless supply of Mountain Dew, because anywhere without it just wouldn't be right. 

Cheeky, Short and Brunette - Now What?

So, let me tell you what's really going on.

 
Lately I've been a little more fierce and a little less friendly, which is most definitely NOT me. I've kept alot of these back-the-heck-up thoughts to myself lately because I'm stressed, freaked and have been waiting on rusty old nails to find out whether or not I'd been admitted to graduate school.

For all that worrying and feeling like I might not be good enough, and then all those people who said the school would be "absolutely stupid to deny [me] admission"....well, I was right and all my bolstering-we-adore-you-Sarah-fans, were wrong. 

Damn Straight. I said it.
Papal Bull - Sarah sucks.
That is all.

I fell short and it feels horrendous. Not quite like getting your boob squished at a mammogram, but much along the lines of realizing that your ex-boyfriend said he couldn't handle a relationship [hence the breakup] but is now walking that kinda-skunky [yes, skunky] chick to class like a well-trained puppy . It's a deep-down hurt, something that I can't extinguish with bitch-stickers (a.k.a. - band-aids).

Only clue as to where I went wrong? My GPA needs improvement. 
Seriously though, it wasn't/isn't that bad. My letters of recommendation were stellar and my work experiences are full of epic situational learning. 

UGH!!!

This whole getting-rejected-thing lead me to start this long-winded thinking, what am I doing with my life mess. Honey, the monologue is too long and too self-loathing to let you in on it. 

I'm so sad right now, that I can only laugh to keep from crying.

What truly sucks? 
I'm still sick at home with strep throat and a bunky set of lungs that are sporadically attacking me right now, so I can't go running. I want nothing more than to get lost in the miles with just the sound of my breathing and the solid thump of my feet beating the pavement.
It would feel amazing to punch something right now. 
All this hard work...for what - rejection?

Despite this, I have all you wonderful people [you know who you are] telling me to eat a brownie or have a glass of wine, or eat some cake to make myself feel better - well, screw you!

The goal is to LOSE weight, not pack on the self-deprecating pounds through sugary goodness!
Trying to look good, naked - remember?!?

What I can tell you about my newest scar, is that I came across this:

"People take different roads
seeking fulfillment and happiness.
Just because they're not on your road
doesn't mean they've gotten lost." 
-His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

 
It made me look at this situation with fresh eyes. What if I'm that person now on a new path? 
I certainly feel like a rudder-less ship or a rabbit without its lucky foot [because really, what rabbit wants to be hopping around with three legs]...I feel lost. 
What should I throw myself into now?


I keep hearing that I should apply to law school:

Because, you know...changing career paths is not so difficult.

The advice is appreciated, don't get me wrong. However, I'm severely type-A. The "always-has-a-plan [or three, or four]" kind of girl. 
So what am I supposed to do for the next 6 academic months...flounder? Basket-weaving? Travel the world? 

I'm seriously contemplating that last one. 
Any suggestions would be nice. 


So now I'll leave you with this last thought:

Seeing this, meant I could stop feeling slighted.
The only person holding me back, is me.

I don't know how I came across this, only that it showed up in my photos, but the message is clear. I have no clue where this path is taking me, and everything I'd set up for myself has now crumbled, so my planner is free. I'll start running again soon. Other than my continued separation from fat-pants...I have no idea what goals I'm running toward. 


Here's to fear of the unknown and the overwhelming need to kick that fear's ass!

Killing the Jiggle

Alright folks, I'm back in action!
These past few weeks have been heinous - exams, allergies, strep throat, no work-outs and dealing with Herbert (the Thanksgiving Turkey), mocking me for not eating more. Dastardly bird!

I was so freaking disciplined. No. Joke.
Every skinny twiglet in my beau's family was like:

But all I could do was sit there and think...How do you stay soooooo thin?!?!?!?! I mean:

Twig-bitches.

I say that with love. Trust.


I actually lost 2 pounds over the holiday. Which, the beau said, meant that I was probably not eating. 
Since I was so caffeinated and running around trying to see as much family as possible, well...I wouldn't push that thought too far out. Either way...I didn't have a chance to work out, so I made sure not to over-eat. I seriously do NOT need to be busting out pregnancy pants.

Now that I'm back home, I've got three finals standing in my way to freedom and Christmas fun. I really need to get back on the bandwagon for running. 

So I found this little guy:

Isn't Melville great?!?!

 When I want to give up, or stray from this fit-path - I find ways to motivate myself. Mirror messages. Little notes to bolster my confidence and bundles of little things like that. 

How are you keeping yourself on track?
Did you find any yummy recipes I should know about? 


I wanted to upload some pictures of my progress, but all of the pictures from the Thanksgiving break get-togethers came out pretty blurry. I took bundles of pictures of other peeps, which came out great:

The beau and his mom. :)

But when anyone else got a hold of my camera, this was the usual result (mostly much blurrier):

This is the best picture I have of us, Laura! We need another visit, ASAP!

Now, compare the above pic of me to the ones below:

It might just be wishful thinking, but I do think my face has thinned out some.

I share this with you, my PHAT picture.

Now, I'm definitely still working on losing all this college-phat; sometimes it feels like it will never go away. But hey...no one said it was going to be easy. I can't say I regret letting myself get this big, I mean - I sure as hell enjoyed the foodles that I consumed to make this voluptuous body happen! I'm just working to get back to fit. I miss my  chiseled abs. They were totes sexy, but are currently hidden under a few dozen cupcakes and Hershey's hugs (my Achilles heel, when it comes to chocolate goodies!).

We've got a couple of holidays left to get through. At our house, Christmas day is a bustle of crazy events, one after another - then a bundle of food that forces you to unbutton the pants before you even take a seat! 
My grandmama's turkey gravy is enough to put you into a calorie overload, and it's way too hard to remember control. Hard, but not impossible. 
Alas, I will be spending my holiday alone this year. Working and toiling about at the office. Maybe a mini-Christmas roast beast will be a good idea? I haven't decided yet. 

What I do know is that I will be strapping on my sneaks and heading out for a wonderful run. I'm so excited to see my total weight-loss before New Year's Eve! WOOT!

Are you in the Christmas spirit yet?

My workout today will consist of putting up my Christmas tree! Pics later, I promise! :D We have a Who-ville theme this year and it's our first official Christmas tree together. Elation? Definitely!

My favorite time of year. <3

Remember, you want to keep those fat pants away! 
Grab yourself some SPARK! Eat healthy and think portion control! That way, you can stick your finger in all sorts of pies and not feel guilty! [insert evil laugh here] Yes, I am dubious!


Much love, friends!